csammisrun

From the co-respondence of C. B. Sammis, this Fourth day of September, Two Thousand and Eight:

To my colleagues at the Ministry of Gummi Studies:

Those who know me well know of my truest desire in the service of Mankind: the clarification of gummi bear behavior in climes which do not favor their fragile existence. Competing research has come to light from my most dear friend and greatest enemy, A. W. Haasbeck, on the methods and “delightful” consequences of immersing g. bear in libationous spirits. Haasbeck, ever the devious scientician, seeks only to derail the singularity of purpose that our Ministry holds most dear. Future publications under My Own Name will reveal that the genera gummi does not maintain cohesion under sustained application of alcohol (much like A. W. himself!). We know all too well that the Dionysian destruction of our beloved subject is not what we wish to present to the public, who strain ever-closer to hear new developments from our branch of Science.

So that you will not be concerned that this Ministry’s charter concerning the preservation of gummi creatures is anything but alive and well, I send advance notice of my current findings vis-à-vis the hibernation of gummi bears when exposed to the brisk chill of fine sorbets. Note here my cautions in the advance of our understandings! Until the very respectable studies of our colleague R. T. Clemens regarding lactose intolerance in g. worm are completed to the full satisfaction of us all, I do not risk exposing any of the gummi species to milky sherbets or iced-creams. This is the standard of ethics that one can expect from research performed under My Own Name.

Hibernation of g. bear commons under conditions of Lemon Sorbet
Under favorable conditions less pliable than organicii or haribo, this subspecies employs a most ingenious form of defending its small form while exposed to the cold. The observed commons hibernate in a consistency not unlike that of well-crafted bricks! Their addition to the sorbet environment becomes textural, rather than flavorful. Discretion should be employed for those with dental faculties at less than their peak.

Hibernation of g. bear organicii(?) under conditions of Raspberry Sorbet
The variations between the subspecies cannot help but to fascinate even those who have dedicated their life to their study. These bears, labeled organicii based on the Qualities of the establishment in which I observed them, have a vastly different hibernation pattern than commons. The bears employ an unusual defensive mechanism upon entering sorbet-induced hibernation: some breeds became positively distasteful, acquiring through currently unknown means the flavor of licorice. Additionally, it is a most unexpected fact that there was nearly no discernible decrease in the flexibility of their gummi substrates! I expect to have a full description of this phenomenon by the next Continental Meeting of Gelatinous Discovery Institutions.

The Ministry will no doubt question at this time my tentative classification of organicii to the subjects of this study. Further investigation is indeed needed in regard to the specific subspecies of g. bear used in this dessert establishment, and rest assured I will not publish until classification is beyond question - unlike the infamous P.N. Reisting, a man whose unbridled and inflammatory claims led to the founding of this very establishment of Science, I am a researcher in whom trust can be placed.

And here’s my marque to prove it. Gentlemen, I remain:

C. B. Sammis